He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My bed smells like the plague
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
