Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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