I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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