The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
