I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
