He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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