I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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