I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
