He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
