There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
