omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize