i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
