the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
