those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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