Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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