You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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