Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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