Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
