fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
