can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hippo gnu deer
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
