so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Green mimosas i think yes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
