He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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