checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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