god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
