In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
