Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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