He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
