Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
