Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
