Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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