I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
