p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
