We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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