my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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