I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
