Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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