We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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