This girl is more easily done than said...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
