Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
