3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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