Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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