Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
