Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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