I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
