Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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