Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
