his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
