my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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