In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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