just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i already hear my dad disowning me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
