It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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