so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
