My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
