After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
