i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
