Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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