I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
