I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
