420 ftw
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
