sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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