Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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