I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
