your parents love me but you hate me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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