its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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