"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
