mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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