Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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