my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
