i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize