I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
