Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize