He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize