Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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