He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
