yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
